POETIC HUMOUR

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Poetic humour is with us right from the beginning. We hear nursery rhymes, then that naughty little ditty about bubble-gum that every generation of kids thinks they made up. It teaches children words they may not otherwise hear (no, not THOSE words).

My first thought here was that humour is what separates us from the animals – but you only have to meet my cats to know the lie in that! It also occurs that the U in humour is what separates us from Americans. Along with the minor issue of the Atlantic.

Poetic Humour can get you into trouble…

Often we push our way through the dark times of life with humour. It may be a wry, dry comment, poetic humour, or “gallows humour”. I have got into trouble more than once for misjudging someone’s sensibilities to what I thought was a pertinent comment.

The following are examples of my SOH – it is not to everyone’s taste but I don’t like garlic so each to their own. I will not be deliberately offensive so don’t breathe on me with your Chicken Kiev breath!

Poetic humour can break the ice at parties - if used appropriately.

See…I’m probably not that funny but my humorous poems may be:

Looking For Love on EBay:

Looking for love isn’t easy
In this fast paced, modern world!
So I asked the Great God Google
If it would help out this lonely girl.
I typed LOVE in the search bar
And waited for sage advice,
It came up with “FIND LOVE ON EBAY”
Well, I didn’t need telling twice!

SO:
I’m looking for love on ebay -
In which category will it be sold?
Not looking under “Antiques and Collectibles”
Coz I don’t want anyone that old.
I wondered about looking in “Motors”
But I didn’t want anything fast
So I’ll content myself with something slower
And pray that the batteries last.

There’s a section called “Home and Garden”
But he could be boring I’ll find
Though it would be good if he pruned the shrubs,
That’s not quite what I had in mind.
I have to make a decision
About searching in “new” or “used”
I don’t want a youngster who looking for “mum”
Nor do I want old and confused.

Then I saw “Electronics”
Not really sure about that…
I don’t want a shock when I slip off my frock
And find he’s in need of a PAT.
Now “Jewellery and Watches” may be tempting
He may like to spoil me…but still…
If he doesn’t click “pay”, Ebay may say
That I have to pick up the bill.

I thought about love on Ebay
Under “Toys and Games”
But the trouble with our PC world
Is that Boys and Girls have the same.
“Sporting Goods” may be spicy
A lover who’s fit and strong
But when he gets a flap from my bingos, 
He may not stay around long.

Beware of searching for love on ebay
Read the description on every page
“My friend” had problems when she ordered a ten
She thought it meant inches, not age!
Then I spotted a solution…
I looked under “Dolls and Bears”…
Well, anything goes these days, 
It’s not like anyone cares!

Then I saw what I was searching for
Got ready to jump off the shelf…
There’s the category where love will be found, 
It’s called “Everything Else”.

So I’ll look for love on Ebay
And hope someone catches my eye
And if not, its time well spent
As there’s loads there you can buy.
Well, what’s the worst that could happen?
I’ll open a shop and sell the lot…
And one day my luck will change,
A Ebay customer could be hot! 

This is about the cats – three of the little bastets (if you don’t find that funny, look it up!!). What they get up to is stuff of legend and are only partially recorded here! Set to “The Wellerman” tune it had to be done!

Cats around the table - poetic humour
Millie, Oddball and Little – left to right

WHEN FEEDY-MUMMY COMES:

We were small when we came down
To Suffolk and Stowmarket town
We brought with us a Bassett Brown
For Kitty-Doggy wars

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll cry and get some more!


Now Oddball is a thinker deep
She watches and her memory keeps
Then when they think they’re going to sleep
She opens up the door…

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll try and get some more!


We lead our folk a merry dance
Play up whenever we get a chance
And get in a pricky-pricky trance
And make their legs real sore

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll try and get some more!


Now Little’s lost a life or three
Hit by a car, stuck up a tree-
She’s got this life to spend with me…
And half a dozen more.

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll cry and get some more!


When the people have their food
It smells so tasty, looks real good
We don’t act as we know we should
For we hook some with a claw! 

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll try and get some more!


Mil likes sliding down the stairs
She pricks your legs and claws at chairs.
She covers everything in hairs
From ceiling down to floor

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll try and get some more!


She calls us all Kittiwake
We’re cats not birds for heaven’s sake!
So we find some china that’s prone to break
And we tap it with a paw…

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll try and get some more!

Then when feedy-mummy comes
She’ll open the food and give us some!
And when the eating is done
We’ll cry and get some more!

Meow meow meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!!
Meow meow meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow meow! HEY! 


Dreaming….

The gurus say “Reach for your dreams,
Leap up into the sky”
Well I cannot jump a foot off the ground
No matter how hard I try

I wanted to be a dancer
But my body is short and fat
I trip over myself on my two left feet
So there is no point in that!

I wanted to be a poet
But can’t get my words to rhyme
Even if they do, it sounds forced like…poo
So that’s a waste of my time.

I thought I’d be a millionaire
With a Rolls Royce car
But I don’t know the brake from the steering wheel
So I wouldn’t get very far.

Perhaps I’ll lower my sights a bit
A pretty hat not the crown
Instead of trying to be someone I’m not, 
I’ll just try not to let anyone down.

There must be something I can do
Or someone I can be…
But until I find my niche in life
I’ll do the thing I can’t fail – just be m

Girls Talk – the not-so-funny side of poetry.

My alter-ego! Hobo Trudi Motorhome Hobos where Gav keeps me under control.

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