Poetic humour is with us right from the beginning. We hear nursery rhymes, then that naughty little ditty about bubble-gum that every generation of kids thinks they made up. It teaches children words they may not otherwise hear (no, not THOSE words).
My first thought here was that humour is what separates us from the animals – but you only have to meet my cats to know the lie in that! It also occurs that the U in humour is what separates us from Americans. Along with the minor issue of the Atlantic.
Poetic Humour can get you into trouble…
Often we push our way through the dark times of life with humour. It may be a wry, dry comment, poetic humour, or “gallows humour”. I have got into trouble more than once for misjudging someone’s sensibilities to what I thought was a pertinent comment.
The following are examples of my SOH – it is not to everyone’s taste but I don’t like garlic so each to their own. I will not be deliberately offensive so don’t breathe on me with your Chicken Kiev breath!
See…I’m probably not that funny but my humorous poems may be:
Looking For Love on EBay:
Looking for love isn’t easy In this fast paced, modern world! So I asked the Great God Google If it would help out this lonely girl. I typed LOVE in the search bar And waited for sage advice, It came up with “FIND LOVE ON EBAY” Well, I didn’t need telling twice! SO: I’m looking for love on ebay - In which category will it be sold? Not looking under “Antiques and Collectibles” Coz I don’t want anyone that old. I wondered about looking in “Motors” But I didn’t want anything fast So I’ll content myself with something slower And pray that the batteries last. There’s a section called “Home and Garden” But he could be boring I’ll find Though it would be good if he pruned the shrubs, That’s not quite what I had in mind. I have to make a decision About searching in “new” or “used” I don’t want a youngster who looking for “mum” Nor do I want old and confused. Then I saw “Electronics” Not really sure about that… I don’t want a shock when I slip off my frock And find he’s in need of a PAT. Now “Jewellery and Watches” may be tempting He may like to spoil me…but still… If he doesn’t click “pay”, Ebay may say That I have to pick up the bill. I thought about love on Ebay Under “Toys and Games” But the trouble with our PC world Is that Boys and Girls have the same. “Sporting Goods” may be spicy A lover who’s fit and strong But when he gets a flap from my bingos, He may not stay around long. Beware of searching for love on ebay Read the description on every page “My friend” had problems when she ordered a ten She thought it meant inches, not age! Then I spotted a solution… I looked under “Dolls and Bears”… Well, anything goes these days, It’s not like anyone cares! Then I saw what I was searching for Got ready to jump off the shelf… There’s the category where love will be found, It’s called “Everything Else”. So I’ll look for love on Ebay And hope someone catches my eye And if not, its time well spent As there’s loads there you can buy. Well, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll open a shop and sell the lot… And one day my luck will change, A Ebay customer could be hot!
This is about the cats – three of the little bastets (if you don’t find that funny, look it up!!). What they get up to is stuff of legend and are only partially recorded here! Set to “The Wellerman” tune it had to be done!
WHEN FEEDY-MUMMY COMES:
We were small when we came down To Suffolk and Stowmarket town We brought with us a Bassett Brown For Kitty-Doggy wars Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll cry and get some more! Now Oddball is a thinker deep She watches and her memory keeps Then when they think they’re going to sleep She opens up the door… Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll try and get some more! We lead our folk a merry dance Play up whenever we get a chance And get in a pricky-pricky trance And make their legs real sore Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll try and get some more! Now Little’s lost a life or three Hit by a car, stuck up a tree- She’s got this life to spend with me… And half a dozen more. Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll cry and get some more! When the people have their food It smells so tasty, looks real good We don’t act as we know we should For we hook some with a claw! Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll try and get some more! Mil likes sliding down the stairs She pricks your legs and claws at chairs. She covers everything in hairs From ceiling down to floor Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll try and get some more! She calls us all Kittiwake We’re cats not birds for heaven’s sake! So we find some china that’s prone to break And we tap it with a paw… Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll try and get some more! Then when feedy-mummy comes She’ll open the food and give us some! And when the eating is done We’ll cry and get some more! Meow meow meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!! Meow meow meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow meow meow! HEY!
Dreaming….
The gurus say “Reach for your dreams, Leap up into the sky” Well I cannot jump a foot off the ground No matter how hard I try I wanted to be a dancer But my body is short and fat I trip over myself on my two left feet So there is no point in that! I wanted to be a poet But can’t get my words to rhyme Even if they do, it sounds forced like…poo So that’s a waste of my time. I thought I’d be a millionaire With a Rolls Royce car But I don’t know the brake from the steering wheel So I wouldn’t get very far. Perhaps I’ll lower my sights a bit A pretty hat not the crown Instead of trying to be someone I’m not, I’ll just try not to let anyone down. There must be something I can do Or someone I can be… But until I find my niche in life I’ll do the thing I can’t fail – just be mThis next one's a RAP!
I love performing it to anyone who will listen!! And…it’s going to be ME! It has a nod to the wonderful poem WARNING by Jenny Joseph. Mine is cheekier!
I’ve even made it easy to perform by highlighting where your backing group back you up! GO ON – DO IT!
The bear is a Steiff – their take on the Red Hat Society. A friend told me about it as she saw the craziness and thought of me. THEN she discovered that Steiff had named it TRUDY! Many years later, I finally got my hands on one
OLD AGE RAP.
...When I'm an old lady, not quite dead, When I'm an old lady, not quite dead I'll dress real weird in purple and red I'll join a rap band and shake my booty... go by the stage name Little Old Cutie Be in a home f-reakin out staff on duty.... Especially the male ones...I'll talk real fruity.... “What ya gonna do boy...take me out and shoot me? “ ------------“Oh!”--------- Well maybe I'll wear leather and join a gang – What ever the weather, doing our thang I'd fit in great with a group of thugs... with my dossett box packed full of drugs! We'd raid the shops, avoiding blame – the loot in a bag on the Zimmer frame, Stealing lippy for the lassies, fags for the lads- and a packet or two of t-t-t-tena pads. But in case of discovery or arrest, I'll have a bottle of peptac and a nice warm vest. Don’t look like that, it's alright for you... what else is a little old lady to do? The days are long and money's tight ...what will make me sleep at night? Maybe I could pick up a pen and write? Hmmmm...be like Cartland on a chaise-longue? Her lily white heroines don't do anything wrong.. HA. Darrrrrrrllllliiing your ladies are ever so boring- but at least I'll be asleep and snoring. Ah, maybe thrillers...full of suspense? No, they'll think DEMENTIA if the books don't make sense. Or I’ll earn my cash - go on the game! I may not be 20 but my body's the same ( sort of) I'll be strutting my stuff, an old heartbreaker with my cosy-toes heels and electric pacemaker. I can wave my bingos, coo and flirt – hide my wrinkles under a buttoned-up shirt, Flash my dentures talking dirt... and bind the dodgy hip up in a skin-tight skirt. If it's cold on the street, I'll be in the book shop all day – reading out loud from Shades of Grey. That is good for passing "trade" ... give the shop a cut of the money I've made. Maybe a side-line....talkin' cheeky trash – that would bring in lots of cash – I can use their wifi for kinky-line calls ...and the staff will help if I happen to fall. I can lie to the punters about what I'm wearing – And I'll have to learn a bit of swearing! My daughter will be angry...she'll be in tears. But darling, this is payback for your teenage years! My son, well no doubt he’ll say it's fine... Until he hears my voice on the kinky-line! ........Daniel? Oh dear...whatever would my mother say ? Still, things were easier in her day! When they got old, that was that...you're in a purple dress with a big red hat.Wasn't that fun! It's a great Christmas performance for a forward thinking W.I. :)
Girls Talk – the not-so-funny side of poetry.
My alter-ego! Hobo Trudi Motorhome Hobos where Gav keeps me under control.